i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
