Only a mothe r could love this liver
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
