i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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