Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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