my mouth tastes like poor choices
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
