we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize