hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
