Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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