I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
