she woke up with a sticky ear
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
