We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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