Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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