The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
