This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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