You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
