I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
