I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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