he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
