Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
