I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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