someone get that fucking seahorse.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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