Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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