I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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