Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
