On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
