i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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