My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My vagina just clenched in fear
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
