if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
