i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Holy sore nipples Batman
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
