he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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