Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
