he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
