The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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