we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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