I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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