So drunk its hurt
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize