when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
