And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
