My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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