The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
