I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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