a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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