I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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