our cab driver is having phone sex.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
