that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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