nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
this is an emotional support booty call
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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