You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
