rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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