He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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