R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
