worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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