Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
