Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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