your parents love me but you hate me
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
