My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
