I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
