a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
