Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
