Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
