i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and she was petting her beer can
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
