Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
