So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
