Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i think i have two assholes
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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